


My love for you was starry-eyed, my body shook with silent cries.

by NintendoSatoRi



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Akaashi Keiji-centric, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Kozume Kenma, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Out of Character, Sad, Sad Ending, star tear disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: Star tear disease:Sparkly, star-like tears are accompanied by a twinkling sound.The cause: Unrequited love.If the love is not returned in time, the affected loses its eyesight to blindness.~Akaashi could feel the tingle of the tears, could hear the soft twinkling sounds late at night.He wants it to stop. But how if Bokuto looked at him so lovingly?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995355
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	My love for you was starry-eyed, my body shook with silent cries.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome back to Day 5 of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020!  
> Once more, I wanna apologize for the late post, my notes app glitched and deleted all progress so I wrote it all in about 2 hours?  
> And therefore there's a chance of the quality not being the absolute best, sorry again.  
> Also, the information/appearance of eyes may be a bit faulty.  
> (You'll see what I mean by that, I think)
> 
> Ah yes, another bokuaka fic where I talk about their eyes. It honestly gives   
> me so much serotonin (and pain cause they're all angst but aha-)  
> I hope that this prompt wasn't asking for both the hanahaki disease and star disease because I focused mainly on one.  
> The other is only mentioned/implied.  
> And I added a little extra to the star disease, so its actual description may not be fully accurate when comparing it to my story.  
> Also yes I know you can't technically cry out your contacts but let me defy reality with this fic.
> 
> Moving on, these are the potential trigger warnings;  
> \- mention of feeling sick  
> \- implied vomiting  
> \- mention of blindness  
> \- tiny mention of blood  
> \- fire and burning up used metaphorically  
> \- mild gore (very vague)
> 
> Alas, I wish you a happy reading! Please enjoy.
> 
> Bokuaka:  
> Day 5, Tier 2: Star disease

Akaashi didn't know when it started.

He didn't know when his heart started fluttering, when his pupils expanded and when his cheeks began to flush in the other's presence.

"Akaashi! Toss to me!" Bokuto yelled and Akaashi would do anything for him, following every order given as he would toss to his ace.  
He smiled slightly whenever Bokuto ran up to him and gave him a high five, laughing loudly and jumping the two around.

Maybe that was the reason he fell for him.

And maybe, just maybe it was the reason Kuroo fell in love with him too.

Akaashi stared at the ceiling, quiet twinkling noises loud in his ears.  
No.

Kuroo and Bokuto had a special type of relationship. They're best friends, they understand each other better than Akaashi ever would.  
When Kuroo did something, Bokuto would immediately reciprocate.  
When Bokuto said something, Kuroo would immediately understand and be able to use it.

Akaashi could only figure Bokuto out when playing volleyball, anything else was different, more difficult. It strained his mind.

Bokuto, as much of a 'simpleton ace' as he is, was difficult to decipher. No one except Kuroo and himself knew how to reel the spiky-haired man in, though after some time Akaashi realized that only Kuroo could do it outside of court.

He noticed how Bokuto started trailing behind Kuroo more and he wanted to slap himself, twinkling sounds making his head pound in an overwhelming headache. His overthinking wasn't helping either but he couldn't seem to stop.

Akaashi knew he was always going to be Bokuto's friend, maybe even best friend and yet it was getting clear to him that Kuroo was inching his way closer and closer to Bokuto's heart, the other welcoming it with arms open wide.

Arms open wide.

Akaashi only noticed the starry tears falling down and off his cheeks because of the soft sparkling, wiping them away quickly.  
They continued trailing down his face, the light from the star-shaped tears causing him discomfort, and yet he couldn't stop them from coming.

A dim light lit up on his bedside table, looking at his phone. The notification on his screen was visible. "Bokuto-san.." He mumbled, voice quiet as he reached over and grabbed his phone, looking over the text that was undeniably from the certain upperclassmen he so adored.

_akaashiii i cant sleeeeepp >:c_

Akaashi stared at the message with a moment's hesitation before sighing, fingers moving over the keyboard quickly.  
The light was far less blinding in comparison to the star-shaped tears that had just slipped past his eyes.

_Have you tried any sleeping exercises yet, Bokuto-san? You may want to count sheep or put on some relaxing asmr to fall asleep to._

Checking over his response and deeming it reasonable, he sent it, just to get a message (or three) back in a matter of seconds.

_akaaaashii!! youre awake???? i thought you sleep early and stuff!_

_and i dont wanna count sheep! its boring and doesnt help at all_

_plus asmr is boring too_

_since youre awake can you come to the park and toss to me??? :DDD_

Akaashi stared at the texts, fingers already pressing the keys to say yes before pausing.  
He checked the time.  
2:24 am.

He really shouldn't.

_Bokuto-san, I will have to decline. It is far too early to even think about playing volleyball. You need a proper amount of sleep in order to be at peak condition when you're out on the court to play.  
Please get a good nights sleep, Bokuto-san._

Akaashi stared at his phone, his breath shallow as he rubbed his sore eyes. They hurt, his vision blurry after the blinding tears fell from them just moments prior.  
His hand went from rubbing his eyes to holding his head.

The gentle twinkling sounds were, as faint as they were, giving him a headache. Then again, that was to be expected after hearing it non-stop for the past month.

Slowly worsening eyes turned towards the phone that lit up once more in the darkness of his room, hand reaching out to grab his phone.  
He squinted slightly, even if it wasn't as bright as the tears he had shed before.

_mannn then ill just ask kuroo >:((_

Akaashi felt his throat constrict at that, fingers moving quickly without thinking.

_Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san is more than an hour away from where we live. It is not a smart idea to visit him at this time._

But the message was left unread, and Akaashi stared and stared until the early morning light seeped into his room.  
Ah.

Akaashi watched the sun go up from his bed, rubbing his eyes slightly. They hurt from the light.  
Vision blurry and steps slightly wobbly, he got up from bed to get ready for school, checking the time one last time.  
6:41 am.

School doesn't start for another two hours and practice starts in about an hour. He'll have to face Bokuto again, and the way his love-stricken face will stare into the air, the way he laughs louder because he met up with his boyfriend.

It hurt.

Akaashi took more time in the morning, the showerhead spilling burning hot water on his head and face. He didn't have time to bathe, as much as he wanted to.  
Body warm and contrasting to the cool air of the early autumn times, the clothes felt itchy and uncomfortable, the sunlight pouring into the house was too bright already, but Akaashi worried about the looks he would get if he wore sunglasses or a cap.

He walked down the memorized path to school, head hurting slightly. He knew not to wait up for Bokuto this time. He would arrive at school using a different route.

The what he thought were fluorescent lights (he wasn't too sure) of the gym made his head spin slightly as he warmed himself up, looking around and only seeing the two first years and another third year that he couldn't seem to remember the name of. Akaashi nodded at the coach before helping out with setting everything up to practice.  
Slowly but surely everyone else started flooding in, last but not least Bokuto, with his eyes sparkling as though they had thousands of stars in them.

Akaashi felt like laughing.

The signature loud sounds of the volleyballs hitting the gym floor and the squeaking of the shoes that were far too loud at eight in the morning and his eyes filled him with so much discomfort, Akaashi wasn't sure what to do.

The practice took so long, and the dark-haired found himself relieved when it was finally over. The sounds, the lights, the energetic behavior from Bokuto- It was all too much for the second year to handle.  
Especially when all Bokuto did was ask for more tosses, more sets, and more more more while also talking about whom he loved the most. It filled Akaashi's chest with flames.  
He didn't know whether he should watch Bokuto like that, with his own eyes full of love and adoration that will never be returned.

Because Bokuto loved Kuroo, and Akaashi will never be able to compare.

\--

His eyes felt sensitive.  
He could feel the coach watching him from the sidelines, his eyes squinting at the bright shine of the gyms LED lights. His vision was hazy and he couldn't properly focus on Bokuto anymore, who was running up to the net, so sure that Akaashi's tosses were gonna be great. After all, Bokuto had said countless times that his tosses were the best. But how would he be able to continue saying that if Akaashi's vision was getting worse by the day?

"Bokuto-san!" The toss went up, it was flying and Akaashi thought it was good but instead, he heard the thump of feet falling back to the ground and the soft slap of a volleyball falling midair. The loud slam was nowhere to be heard, and Akaashi felt a rush of embarrassment hit him.

What?

"Akaashi... You missed the toss, it was too far out to reach." He heard Konoha say from right beside him, his head spinning and vision blurred as he turned around to look at him, then back at Bokuto before nodding. "I apologize. The next one will be better." He promised, giving his upperclassmen a bow before getting ready for another round.

He sensed how Bokuto felt a little pouty, needing to get him back on track with a good toss as he tried his best to focus. Akaashi couldn't fuck up anymore, he had to fix this.  
He heard the footsteps run towards the net, heard the squeak of gym shoes as Bokuto jumped in the air-

His ears spiked with pain, entire body flinching at the sound of the twinkling getting unbearably loud and then the ball slipped from his hands, the sad attempt of a set being disregarded again as he stared at his trembling fingers with wide eyes, the twinkling still loud in his ears.

He heard the whistle blow over the sound, making him wince. 

"Akaashi, are you okay?" The gentle voice then reached his eardrums, acting as a cushion and wrapping around him like a warm blanket.  
Bokuto...

The blue eyes filled with stars and entire galaxies looked over to the other, whose eyes were made of gold and were brighter than the sun.  
"Bokuto-san..." Akaashi whispered softly before he turned to face the team, who looked at him with matching concern.  
"I'm sorry for my poor performance. I would assume I should take a seat on the bench?" His eyes, blurred from the bright light that accompanied him late at night, looked towards the coach for confirmation and moved when he received a nod.

He tried to ignore the piercing stare of his captain, the gaze filled with confusion as to why Akaashi wasn't doing his best at the moment.  
But then he was right back in the game and the smile that grazed his face when he saw the other players across the net burned in Akaashi's chest, made the twinkling unbearably loud and the uncomfortable sting of light reach the back of his eyelids.

If only their school wasn't in that alliance with the other schools. They would've seen Nekoma less.  
Bokuto may have never fallen in love with Kuroo.

Akaashi was stunned to silence with the thoughts that plagued his mind, felt a wave of sickness wash down his sweat-slicked back.  
He rushed to the bathroom before anyone else could stop him, hearing the faint voices of the middle blocker and wing spiker asking what was wrong.

He heaved, upper body leaning over the toilet in their gym lockers.  
Akaashi felt the tingling of his tears, only making them fall faster as he tried to cover his eyes from the agonizing light that his body produced.

He let out a quiet sob.

Why did it have to be him?

\--

Akaashi stared at himself in the mirror, eye drops sitting beside him as he sighed. The vision was blurry again, his parents didn't want to buy him new contacts again.  
His face pulled itself into a grimace. He was burdening his parents with his worsening eyes, needing new contacts every month or two because of how often his emotions would get the worst of him when thinking about Bokuto.

Maybe he should stop asking for new ones, regardless of how well he could see. As long as he saw enough to toss for Bokuto, he was happy.  
He didn't want Bokuto to throw him away because he was becoming a horrible setter. Volleyball was the only thing that connected him and the third year. The rest of Bokuto's precious time was always spent with Kuroo, catching the last train leaving for another side of Tokyo.

He knew that Bokuto considered him his friend. He knew that Bokuto cared about him, he knew it all.  
And that could be the reason it hurt all the more.

Knowing that even while they care about you so much that you start to fall in love with them, just to find out that they fell in love with another person.

His eyes felt weakened, the relentless abuse of bright light against them painful.

And yet he still looked at Bokuto with eyes that were filled with so much love, so much adoration for the older.  
He loved him, Akaashi knew that he loved Bokuto more than anything.

But Bokuto was only with Kuroo, always talking to him, giving chaste kisses after a practice match and wrapping his strong arms around the taller in an attempt to keep his scent against him forever.

Akaashi would watch the two, would sit down beside Kenma, and stay quiet as the two observed. He would take note of Kenma coughing as they watched, would nod at Kenma leaving for the bathroom, would see the trail of blood roll down to Kenma's fingertips.

Ah.  
So Kenma was in love too.

Akaashi wished he could help, knew that Kenma's situation was so much more drastic but he couldn't, not when his eyes burned every night, not when all he wanted to do was tear them out sometimes.  
Not when he pressed his fingers to his eyelids so harshly that his entire vision was spotty and colorful in an attempt to stop the pain.

Because how could he help someone else if he couldn't help himself?

\--

As much as Akaashi pushed himself, as much as he forced himself to focus, it was all for nothing.

Akaashi nodded slightly as the coach dismissed him.

The one bond he had with Bokuto was severed now too, huh? Akaashi sighed, rubbed his eyes despite the aching in his skull to stop the tears.  
He realized the beautiful, sparkling tears were there the moment he thought of Bokuto.

He thought he would've been able to break through the blurred vision, be able to ignore it as he sent those tosses to Bokuto, make him happy in the only way that Kuroo wasn't able to.

And yet, it was still all for nothing.

Akaashi hid away in his room as the tears flowed.  
His love for Bokuto was still so strong, still hurt him so much.

Why did he let this happen to himself?

\--

Akaashi looked at himself in the mirror, saw nothing more but the faint outline of himself. He instinctively reached around, lifted his eyelids one by one, and placed the strongest contacts he had into his eyes in a vain attempt to see better.  
It barely worked.

Akaashi moved like a well-oiled machine, their family house memorized in his mind, and the path to school engraved into his mind as well.  
Today was Bokuto's graduation.

He found his seat, lightly patting down the area before sitting down, the ceremony starting.  
He could barely hear a thing over the twinkling sounds ringing in his ear.  
Could barely see the shape of Bokuto's body, nevermind the bright smile he knew the gold-eyed would be wearing.

He wished he could've seen that smile.

Akaashi let the ceremony wash over him, the twinkling only made for him to hear was making him go crazy, made him want to scream and cry for Bokuto to accept his love so that he could finally be happy, so that the sounds would finally stop, so that his eyes didn't have to be a victim of the vicious pain anymore.

But instead, he stayed quiet.  
If no one noticed then he'd be fine.

And Akaashi realized that was far harder to actually do when he was the one to have made himself noticeable.

"Akaashi! You made it, I'm so glad! You know, I think I'm going to miss you loads cause even if you left the volleyball club, you were still the best setter out there!" Bokuto exclaimed the certificate rolled up in his hand waving around in a navy blue blur.  
"So please, toss to me one more time, okay?"

He couldn't hold back the tears as he looked up at Bokuto.  
"Bokuto-san..." His voice was loud, trying to hear himself over the neverending twinkling noises raging in his ears, filling the air between them.

"Akaashi? What is this? Are you okay? You're crying stars!" Bokuto said, watching as the glowing stars fell down Akaashi's soft pale cheeks.

"Bokuto-san... please." Akaashi couldn't help but sob, the pain excruciating as he looked up at the other, only seeing blurred lines and black and white patches.  
"Bokuto-san, I've loved you for so long, I still love you more than words could ever express, more than I ever knew was possible."

"Aka-"

"I'm so sorry Bokuto-san!" Akaashi sobbed while the twinkling turning louder as the contacts in his eyes slipped out.  
He looked around, eyes widening and choking as he looked up at Bokuto.

No, he only saw black.

"Bokuto-san? Please, it's so dark, I'm so sorry, I know you couldn't do anything about this." The words fell from his mouth like a waterfall and the more Bokuto listened, the more he realized what had happened.

And he felt the pain searing in his own chest.

The silence between them was filled with choked sobs and twinkling sounds.

Eventually, Bokuto opened his mouth.

"I'm so sorry Akaashi. I should've never had that surgery if I knew you loved me back."

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify that last sentence, it's implied that Bokuto had the hanahaki disease, but got surgery to defeat it so he wouldn't die. Except he got it when he was unaware that Akaashi was gaining feelings for him.
> 
> Ah, and to explain that:  
> The hanahaki disease is something that can be cured in two ways. One is that the other returns the feelings held.  
> The other is through surgery, but the person who had the disease loses all romantic feelings and interest in that person.
> 
> Bokuto got the surgery because he thought Akaashi would never love him back.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!


End file.
